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- Washington Transformation (Winter 1998)
- By Nora O'Connor
I recently attended the Successful Stuttering Management Program at Eastern
Washington University, a three-and-a-half-week intensive therapy program
to manage stuttering.
I was extremely hesitant the weeks before I was to attend the program.
I didn't know anyone who would be there and I wasn't fully convinced that
this was the step I wanted to be taking. I've struggled for years deciding
whether to leave my stutter alone or try more therapy. Attending an intensive
program would mean a lot of hard work and I honestly did not know if I
could be committed. I had battled with my stutter for so many years and
always been the loser. No matter how much I hated my stutter, I couldn't
seem to get it together and do something about it. Fortunately, I've been
able to find some acceptance in the past years, which has made life easier.
Nevertheless, there was always that part of me that screamed, "If
I didn't stutter I could do this and if I didn't stutter I know I could
do that." There were days I felt as if I would never become a whole
person. Although I'm clean and sober today, I abused drugs for many years
to escape the pain of unable to communicate. Because if I couldn't be me,
I didn't want to be anyone.
A week before the SSMP, I was in Buffalo at the National Stuttering Project
convention. I facilitated the Passing Twice workshop with Larry Sailor
and conducted my own workshop, Clean & Sober and Still Stuttering.
Being around so many happy stutterers at the convention, I began doubting
whether I needed therapy. However, I did get on the airplane to Washington
and I entered a world I could not even have imagined.
The first day I roamed the university campus, doubting what was to occur.
The next day, still hesitant I met the eight other stutterers and my two
clinicians. Any fear I held was turned into strength and motivation. The
first week and a half, we let all of our stuttering out of us; getting
rid of feared words and situations, while analyzing our stutters. Then
we learned handling techniques to stutter easier and communicate effectively.
We spoke all day and night--on the telephone, to strangers, in shopping
malls and to each other. A large part of the program focused on changing
our attitudes and learning that it is OK to be a stutterer.
There was an incredible transformation during the three-and-a-half weeks.
I'll be forever grateful I gave myself the opportunity to attend the SSMP.
The connections I made with everyone in the program I hold sacred in my
heart. I even was able to release the fear of letting people know I'm a
lesbian. Although at times it was difficult being around "straight"
people 24 hours a day, I managed. My only regret is that I didn't tell
people earlier. Everyone accepted me for who I am.
As for my speech, I'm able to stutter a lot easier. Stuttering is not as
difficult and exhausting anymore. The handling techniques I use make communication
more enjoyable. I say what I want to today, not what I think I may be able
to spit out. I'll always stutter, and that's OK.
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